What If?

Spoiler Alert. Everything is Negative. In a good way…
Yesterday morning I had that moment,
The moment you pray never comes,
The moment when the floor falls away from you, you cannot feel your body, and everything around you seems to move a little further into the distance……

I’ve had this moment 4 times in my life:
⭐️ The time my doctor told me I had Melanoma on my foot
⭐️ The time my doctor told me I had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma
⭐️ The time my Mom told me she had cancer
⭐️ And the time a “he” told me he was leaving me for “her”

And then yesterday there came a fifth ….
So rare yet so familiar …..

Last week I got all my yearly checkups – just in time for my adventures abroad.
With new doctors found and with good insurance in place, it was time for me to get my yearly check ups. A battery of blood work, Skin Check, Mammogram (and a 3D Ultrasound, due to my history of radiation to my chest) and all the usual parts checked out.

That was last Tuesday, and a week later I was still waiting for the results, and then the voice message …… more tests requested …..

And as my stomach dropped to my knees, my ordinary day and my planned future was now put on pause…..

I tried to stay in the present, what did I know for sure? but the salvia dried up, my appetite disappeared and each swallow seemed to take a lifetime.

I sat still, but my mind was running, I tried to slow my breathing but my heart was racing
And just like that – all my thoughts about wrinkles, lumps and bumps disappeared, and I moved to the deeper question …….. what if?

As much as my brain told me that it was extremely unusual that a radiology department, and not my doctor would be the one to call with the “what if” news …. in less than 10 seconds my life was on pause…

I make the call and I wait on hold for what seems like an eternity. After 20 minutes the receptionist at the office finally picks up —
“Um this is Petra Kolber and I received a message from you saying my doctor wants more tests”
What is the spelling of you last name?
What is your date of birth?
Hmmmm – no that must have been a mistake, there is no request here …….

Crisis one averted, but I was now on high alert and for that afternoon my focus was scattered and the low grade anxiety sat in my stomach like a long lost friend.
A few hours later my doctor did call. All your tests came back negative – do a follow up in a year.
You have the very early signs of osteopenia in your left hip, but nothing that you cannot manage and reverse.”

So a power walk and some strength training later this gal is back at her extra – ordinary life and is so grateful for the ordinary and predictable of days.

I feel embarrassed to admit that it took another “what if” moment to pull me back into a place of being so deeply grateful for all of my body, my wrinkles, my softening belly and yes even my neck !!!!

May we all try to switch our What if’s from:
What if I was younger, thinner, sexier, smarter etc
What if I am the person who can be a light for others
What if l stop worrying what “they” may say
What if today is the day I say “yes” to living a life of my dreams and no to leaving my life with regrets.

What if …….. let’s make sure we pick the right one.